Samantha Wilson

Young Love or Dangerous Obsession?

The emotional investments that teenage girls make in relationships are colossal.  However, young love can end up becoming less of a dream and more of a nightmare for many teenagers if left unchecked.  Obsessive, violent, possessive and overly jealous boyfriends coupled with young teenage love can be a deadly combination. 

But violence in teen relationships does not happen after one date.  Control and manipulation are gradual processes that develop from a constant and consistent breakdown of confidence and self-esteem until the partner is ultimately under control. 

The fact is, is that if your daughter is in a possessive and obsessive relationship, she may or may not confide in you.  Furthermore, it will be difficult for parents to spot the warning signs of teen abuse by watching the actions of the boyfriend himself.  He will be charming, welcoming, polite and seem like a great guy – to you. 

Instead of looking at the boyfriend for clues, pay close attention to your daughter and changes in her behavior.  If there is a problem, there will be clear indicators early on. Don’t wait for her to come to you, take initiative and look ahead for the warning signs that will help you protect your daughter.

Some warning signs that your daughter is in a violent teen relationship may be:

• Isolating herself from her friends or family

• She changes her style or clothing

• Sudden or increasing loss of confidence and self-esteem

• Has trouble making decisions for herself

• Stops spending time with friends

• Begins to show failing grades

• Begins to use alcohol or drugs

If you recognize these signs in your daughter’s behavior you will need to address them at once.  If you need help, there are many valuable and effective services that can help. Contact your doctor’s office, health care centre or police department to get a list of resources in your community.  Do not make the dangerous mistake of thinking that these services are only for “battered women.”  They are also there for teens at risk of emotional, physical and sexual abuse. 

Date Rape Drugs: What Every Parent Needs to Know

Roachies, Rope, Roofies, R2, Liquid Ecstasy, Easy Lay, Special K, K.

These are all street names for the most common types of date rape drugs used by predators.  You may know them as Rohypnol, GHB (Gamma-Hydroxy Butyrate)and Ketamine.

Periodically the media latches onto the dangers of date rape drugs and warns women of the potential risks – but teenage girls need to take notice as well.

The use of drugs to incapacitate a target is becoming more prevalent in Canada.  In the spring and summer of 2003, Vancouver Police had reported over 40 cases of possible sexual assaults due to drinks that were spiked.

However, the true numbers may never be known.  The reason is that if these drugs are used successfully, the victim is often left with no recollection of the event, and may not even realize that they have been raped. 

Some victims have a strong sense that something happened but by the time they piece it all together, it is often too late to collect any evidence. Any trace of these drugs in the victim’s blood disappear after a very short time, as soon as 48 hours.

For a quick lesson in chemistry, here is an overview of each drug.

Rohypnol is produced in Europe and Latin America as a sedative.  It comes from the same family as Valium but it is much stronger. It comes in the form of tablets. If ingested, your muscles will relax, and your inhibitions will be lowered. It can cause complete blackouts and amnesia, especially when taken with alcohol.

It works fast – only taking 10 – 20 minutes to see the effects.  It has no smell, no taste and no color (however manufacturers are working on making it turn blue when diluted).

GBH is illegal in Canada but used to be sold in health food stores until the mid 1990’s. There is no medical use for this drug and was primarily used for recreational purposes. It causes you to relax, lowers inhibitions and increases sensuality.

It also works fast, 5 – 20 minutes to cause effects.  It has no smell, and no color but does have a slight salty taste.   It comes in a drop or powder form that is dissolved in water or alcohol.

Ketamine is a controlled substance that is used by veterinarians as an animal tranquilizer. It will cause hallucinations and amnesia.  It can be found in liquid or powder form.

All of these drugs have been added to the Predatory Drug Categories of the Controlled Drugs and Substances Act but it is often difficult to prove. 

So here’s the problem: if these drugs are hard to detect and control, how can you protect your daughters from being a victim of sexual assault through date rape drugs?

1. Talk about them and their dangers to her.

2. Encourage the Buddy system.

3. Never accept a drink from someone that they do not trust, or know.

4. Don’t share drinks.

5. Don’t drink out of a punch bowl.

6. If they notice a friend suddenly seems intoxicated, take care of them and never allow them to leave without you.

7. If someone begins to joke about using date rape drugs, take it as a warning sign.

Try not to associate date rape drugs with adult women in bars.  These drugs can be added to any liquid substance, and used to gain control of any target – including teenage girls.

Trusting Her Instincts Will Help Protect Her

As a police officer I investigated countless sexual assaults of teenage girls.  The severity of these assaults varied.  What I found was that in almost every case, the victims stated something similar to “I knew something was wrong.  I had an awkward feeling about him, that I shouldn’t trust him.” 

Unfortunately, many young girls learn to dismiss the nagging feelings that their natural defense system - their instincts - send them early on.

Some common reasons that teenage girls dismiss their instinctive warning signals are because of a desperate need for peer acceptance, to be liked, fear of being rude, appearing unfriendly, or becoming embarrassed. Teenagers that have consistently low self-esteem, negative self-image and need for male approval are particularly at risk of poor decision making, resulting in increased risk.

If your daughter does not trust her instincts, or pay attention to the warning signs that cause her to feel uncomfortable, she will unknowingly place herself in more dangerous situations than those that follow their instincts.

You and your daughter will have to take extra precautions to ensure her personal safety.  You will need to encourage your daughter to listen and trust her instincts now more than ever.   She can rely on them to protect her, as she has relied on you in the past.

Teens, Internet and Online Seduction

Teenagers are particularly at risk of being seduced and lured away by a predator through online relationships.  It is estimated that 26% of kids ages 9 – 15 went to meet a friend that they met online without the permission of their parents.  What that tells us, is that kids either don’t know the rules, or they don’t understand the seriousness of the threat.

Teens are usually afforded more freedom and independence and therefore have more opportunity to use the Internet unsupervised. Teenage girls from the ages of 14 to 17 years were about two times as likely to form close online relationships than kids aged 10 to 13.

So is your teen at risk?  If they use the Internet for chat or MSN Instant messaging, they may be. 

Teens who are at greatest risk of being lured into an online relationship have high levels of parent-child conflict, low parent-child communication, feelings of vulnerability, depression or have a sense that their parents do not pay enough attention to where they are or with whom.

Furthermore, teenagers with issues revolving around low self esteem and peer pressure often become depressed and lonely. A teen with these feelings may seek out online relationships and eventually run the very serious risk of arranging face-to-face meetings.

The best way to increase Internet safety and protect your teen from seeking outside acceptance, love and attention, is to be sure that you are keeping the lines of communication open at all costs.  Your teen needs to know that you will be there for them to talk whenever they encounter an unnerving or dangerous situation. 

Youth that have high levels of communication with their parents are less likely to seek advice and direction from others, which can ultimately result in making unsafe decisions. 

There are two great resources for Parents on online safety www.bewebaware.com and www.netsmartz.org. Take a moment to check them out.

No Means No!

For those of you who follow my column, or have heard me talk about my kids in the past, you know that I am the proud mom of a seventeen-year-old son. As hard as it is for me to fathom that I am old enough to have such a legacy, the bite of reality stings when I see teenage girls parade through my house, desperately seeking his attention. 

I am lucky, he is a good kid.  Knows right from wrong, respects himself and others, and understand the importance of setting and defending personal boundaries.  He also knows that in dating no means no.
"No" can be one of the most powerful words in language if it is said with confidence and finality.  But if it is used to precede an explanation, it looses its weight.

"No" does not mean "maybe," "another time," or "I am a bit tired right now." No means no.  I know that you have heard this phrase before and so has every hormone-raging teenage boy.  So why is it that the power of "no" often gets lost when teenage girls use it?

The reason is simple.  Often teenage girls feel the need to explain their "No" because they don't want to look rude. They say things like "No, because I need to be home by 10" or "No, because I am going to a movie with my girlfriends tonight" or any other "No, because....."

When you attach a "because" to the word no, you open up a discussion or opportunity for the other person to try to change your mind.
 
If you say "No, because I need to wash my hair tonight"  he will think, maybe she will go out tomorrow when her hair is washed?  When he should be thinking "No - she wont go out with me at all."

There should never be a "because" attached to a "No."  No means no - period.
Teach your daughters that if they mean "No," to say it with confidence and finality every time.  Teach them to resist the temptation to explain their decision.  It is just simply "No."
 
To use the words of one of the best threat assessors in America Gavin De Becker:
"NO, is a complete sentence."

Teenagers, Dating and Violence

A two week look into the dangers teens face in relationships.

Starting Wednesday, November 24, we will begin a two-week look at teens, dating and the dangers that can arise from these often intense and powerful relationships. 

December 6^th is Canada’s National Day of Remembrance and Action on Violence Against Women.  It was 15 years ago, in 1989, that fifteen young women were killed at l'École Polytechnique in Montréal because of their gender.

In memory of this tragic event, we will try to provide readers with some valuable "preventative" information that could make a difference in your teen's safety.

This week we will look at:

Violence in teen dating relationships and explore some of the warning signs that parents need to be on the lookout for; and learn about “date rape” drugs and how to avoid becoming victimized.

Don’t miss this valuable and informative week, and please feel free to send in your comments, suggestions and concerns. 

If you are a parent with a teenage daughter, you won’t want to miss this teen safety week on Safe Kids, Safe Families.