Samantha Wilson

Eight Ways to Achieve the Ultimate Safe Family

What is a Safe Family?

Safe families are empowered by knowledge, not disabled by fear. They do not choose to ignore or deny potential danger; instead, they learn everything they can about it. Knowledge is empowering. The more you know about how something happened, what went wrong, and how it could have been prevented, the better prepared you will be.

As a police officer and a child safety expert, I have met many parents who live in constant fear for the safety of their kids, fear that affects every decision they make. They are consumed with the horror they see daily in the media, and are driven to protect their kids at any cost. I applaud their devotion. However, too much fear can often disguise the warning signs of dangerous people and situations, and actually cause you to make unsafe choices. If you allow yourself to become consumed with fear you will not be able to protect your kids.

The only thing you need to fear is what you do not understand or know about, because if you can see the dangers, and understand the threats that your kids face, you can prepare for them. If you don’t look at them, they will sneak up behind you, and you will be left with the reactive response, which you might say is like crossing your fingers and hoping for the best.

Let’s face it, there are terrible tragedies reported every day in the media, some with details that I truly believe only the police and other professionals need to know. The safe parent has to learn about these dangers, but they won’t focus on the gruesome details. They’ll gain insight by finding the point in the story where a choice changed the course of events.

A safe parent is able to predict when good will go bad as easily as knowing when their child is in need. Being able to predict when good will go bad is about “tickling” your natural ability to recognize the warning signals sent by people, places, and things. A safe parent is someone who is able to separate perceived danger from the real thing, someone who is able to predict danger and prevent tragedy. That parent is you.

Rules for Safe Parents to Live By

1. Listen to your instincts. Question everything. You have a natural ability to sense danger. If your instinct is telling you there is danger, there is—period.

2. Anticipate worst-case scenarios through role-plays. Prepare for the unexpected. “You don’t need to hit me with a stick to know it hurts.” Well, you also don’t need to personally experience events to learn how to react to them. Role play potential real dangers, making sure your scenarios are realistic. Know the difference between real and perceived danger.

3. Lead with your eyes and mind. Look ahead and beyond what is in front of you. Know your surroundings before you pass them. Think about clues that are presented to you and try to understand their meanings.

4. Don’t jump recklessly into unsafe situations. Cops don’t jump recklessly into unsafe situations, and neither should you. Although television shows like to make you believe that cops act on the spur of the moment, they simply don’t. That would be stupid, dangerous, and even deadly. Each person, place, and event is assessed—yes, sometimes at lightning speed—for its threat level and risk factor.

Surveillance, assessment, and planning are what make it possible for cops to return to their families at the end of the day—not complacency, recklessness, or fearlessness.

Although I am certain that you, a parent, would throw yourself into danger to protect your children, you don’t need to. You just have to recognize when it’s a good time to run in the other direction.

5. Always call for help. You are never alone. More people will help you than hurt you—believe that. Don’t be afraid to call for help—you are not bothering anyone. Recognize your limitations. Don’t go into a dangerous place or situation alone.

6. Resist complacency. Complacency is the number-one reason for victimization. Don’t wait until tomorrow to fix the locks on your doors, and never believe that it can’t happen to you. Anything is possible—and everyone is equal when it comes to dangers.

7. Get involved. It takes a community to keep kids safe. Learn about what dangers are specific to your community. Attend town meetings, express your opinions, and speak up for kids and their safety. Most of all, get over any unwillingness you may have about reporting a crime to the police. Do it anonymously if you like, but always—always—report any suspicious activity or people to the police. Simply by being a member of your community, you are already involved, and the information you give—no matter how insignificant it may seem—could be a turning point in an investigation and ultimately save a life or result in getting a creep off the streets your children are playing in.

8. Trust yourself and your ability to protect your family.  Commitment, perseverance, and intolerance for anything less than the best for your kids are essential traits in a safe parent.

Don’t be fooled into thinking that your children can protect themselves before they are ready.  They are only the very first layer of protection – you are the last and most important one.  Hang on to your children until it is safe to let go.

The Internet has opened the world to your kids, and technology pushes us eagerly into seeking new ways to protect them.  But in fact you already have the most powerful tools right at your fingertips.  Keeping the lines of communication open and committing yourself to proper supervision of your children are the keys to their safety. 

There is no magic gadget, trick, cloak or weapon that will ultimately keep your kids safe.  Safe families are dedicated as a family to staying safe.  It is that simple – because crimes can be prevented, violence is predictable and knowledge is the key.

Top Tips to Select a Safe Sitter

Finding a caregiver doesn't have to be as scary as you think. Whether you are choosing to bring someone into your home, or use a daycare setting, you need to know who your potential caregivers are and have the right to know.

Here are some tips that will help you get the answers you need to make the best decision when selecting a caregiver for your kids.

Start your search months in advance.

This will avoid stress and will build confidence in your choices. If a daycare is your choice, you may find that the more popular ones have waiting lists. Don't fall in the trap of being "grateful" for a space for your child. It is YOU that decides if THEY are worthy not the reverse.

Arrange for an initial interview.

The first meeting should ALWAYS be at their home or facility, regardless if the plan is for them to work out of your home. Your goal is to get to know them personally in a short period of time. By going to their environment, you will gain valuable insight into how they live. Don't bring baby yet.

The interview.

First, Relax. You are in control. Make your expectations very clear. How you ask questions is crucial. Good questions encourage conversation and allow you to read between the lines. Write your questions down and bring them with you. Make note of the answers provided. This will help you evaluate each candidate later on.

Interview rules.

Avoid Did, Would, Do or Have to start a question.
Instead of asking: "Have you ever had to act in an emergency?" Ask: "What would you do if a fire broke out?" Open questions lead to discussion, avoiding vague "yes" and "no" one word answers

Don't answer the question yourself.
Don't ask, "Would you call 9-1-1 or would you grab the extinguisher in the kitchen?"
Let them give you the answer.

Use silence.
After she answers your question – pause.
Most people find silence uncomfortable and will almost always initiate further conversation. It it what they say to fill in the silence that is often most telling.

Call all references.
Ask the potential sitter for six references. After she gives them to you, ask her to narrow them down to the top three and call only the ones she did not select!

If the candidate passes this stage set a time for them to meet your baby. This is your opportunity to see your child interact with the caregiver.

Finally, review your notes and choose who you feel is genuine, will love your baby and fits your parenting values.

Social Networking for Pedophiles

Last fall, I was busy attending schools presenting Internet Safety seminars for both kids and
parents, and the # 1 concern was without a doubt, Social Networking (most popular are Facebook,
MySpace,YouTube,Second Life).

We all know that Social Networking sites are designed to connect friends with friends and share information. Whether they are face-to-face friends, or online friends, is another article. But what many parents do not realize is that criminals use Social Networking to connect with other criminals to learn how to be better bad guys.

Make sense?

Before the Internet, criminals were geographically challenged. They could only "connect" with other likeminded criminals in their own town. From there they could learn from each other.

Now, with the Internet, criminals, in particular pedophiles, can connect with other pedophiles for support and advice through Social Networking and build online communities.

Yes, that’s right. With a few easy key words plunked into Google, and the click of a mouse, anyone can find a number of pedophile sites, blogs, podcasts, and message boards that promote abusing children.

These sites seek to “educate” us non-believers, by explaining *their* definition of pedophilia to gain social acceptance. But instead, these sites actually foster a global community of pedophiles.

The perceived anonymity of the Internet attracts otherwise closet pedophiles, and connects them with other likeminded people. Through their chatting, they gain a sense of legitimacy, a place to express and develop their fantasies, and ban together to help expose police undercover operations. That is all bad.

Here’s what makes them tick. Pedophiles share a number of common behaviors but one common thread, is that they truly believe that children can consensually enter into a sexual and loving relationship with an adult.

They believe that there are two kinds of pedophiles, the ones that seek out children to satisfy themselves (bad ones), and then the “loving” ones that enter into sexual relationships with kids that they love (good ones).

This “love” is equal to a regular adult sexual / partner relationship.

What it really is, is an abuser and a child victim, who often has been groomed into participating in the activities. It is not by consent, it is sexual abuse of children, both morally, socially and illegally wrong.

Ah…the Internet. With all the potential good it has, why is it constantly used for the wrong reasons?

Eleven Ways to Spot a Pedophile

I spend a lot of my time speaking to the media about incidents of child abuse 'after the fact" when people are trying to make sense of why and how it could happen.

But instead of focusing on what we can do with the creeps after their caught, I would rather give parents some information to empower them to keep their kids safe. After all, you will never be
able to control others behavior, but you can control your own.

The first thing to remember is that pedophiles are master communicators. They are very good at sliding into a family and befriending the parents to gain access to their kids. But there are warning signs that you can look for that may indicate someone has less than honest intentions with your family

Preferential child molesters, pedophiles, have distinct patterns of behavior that are highly predictable. As a parent, it is crucial that you learn to identify these patterns as warning signs, as they are an extremely valuable tool in assessing whether someone represents a risk to your children.

Each one of these characteristics, taken on their own, can mean little.  But if you can identify a large number of them in an individual you know, you need to remove that person from your child’s environment and never allow him to have unsupervised access.

A pedophile could be someone who:

1. Shows an intense interest in children and childlike things.

It is hard not to care about kids. In fact, you may be suspicious of those who show no interest in children at all. However, there is a balance between average or appropriate interest, and excessive interest. Pedophiles will find everything about your child interesting, seem to relate to them better than adults, and prefer their company.

2. Has idealistic views of children.

A pedophile may refer to children as pure and innocent, and put them on a pedestal. They may think of
children as “projects, offering them extra help after school, for instance, or arranging meetings with the child for ostensibly good and honest reasons. They will likely invest a great deal of time and effort in one child, rather than offering equal attention to an entire group of kids. Some pedophiles have a belief that they are looking out for and have genuine love for children.

3. Has limited peer relationships.

A pedophile feels more comfortable around children. They do not often associate with peers in their age group. They would much prefer to sit at the “children’s table” at a dinner party than with the adults.

4. Calls children “friends.”

Pedophiles will surround themselves with childlike things that attract children and encourage friendships. A pedophile will often be the “cool older guy” in town, and you may find that many kids hang out at his house. He will attract kids with his lack of rules and defiance of parental rules and controls.

5. Is over twenty-five years old, single, never married, lives alone or with parents.

Just because someone matches this description does not mean he is a pedophile. However, if he meets several other criteria listed here, you should be seeing this as a warning sign.

6. Moves often and unexpectedly.

Often pedophiles will feel they have “worn out their welcome” in a particular community, or feel they are close to getting caught. They will move regularly to avoid detection, confrontation from suspecting parents, or to find a new pool of victims.

7. Participates and organizes activities that exclude other adults.

For obvious reasons, a pedophile needs access and privacy to commit the abuse. He will avoid inviting
other adults on planned events or outings.

8. Takes excessive photographs of children.

Pedophiles collect photographs, mementoes, symbols, and anything else from their victims and or other targets that might enhance their fantasies. Most notably, they take an inappropriate number of pictures or videos of children, in their communities, at events, or simply when playing. The pedophile may also have a lot of child-focused movies or music CDs, more than seems appropriate for a single man to possess. These are used for fantasy as well as to lure children into their homes.

9. Works and plays in areas that attract children.

Pedophiles typically choose work environments that allow access to children. This may include working in a school (as a teacher or in some other capacity) or daycare, as a coach or as a volunteer in a community centre, or in any other profession that is child- focused.

10. Decorates his home with childlike décor.

A pedophile is constantly trying to attract children, and relates to them better than to adults. His home, dress, and demeanor will often reflect childlike characteristics.

11. Is generous with gifts.

Many pedophiles choose targets that are needy—both for material things and for attention. They are quick to provide a needy child with toys, games, and money to lure them into a position of trust and eventually a sense of indebtedness.

Finally, parents are the ones that decide who comes into their kids lives, not the kids. Always, pay close attention to people who associate with your kids. If you have a bad feeling about one of them, or your child expresses discomfort, listen.

Don’t look for proof that your instincts are right or wrong. Trust them.
They are always right.

Help! There is a child molester in my neighborhood!

I was recently a guest on a radio show in Dallas TX, to talk about an arrest of a registered sex offender who had allegedly molested a neighborhood girl. 

Parents are often shocked to read or hear about a recent arrest of someone in their community who had committed a terrible crime against a child.  Naturally, they wonder how safe their communities really are.

Over the years, I have been asked by parents if there was a way that they could find out if a child molester or dangerous person is living within their communities.  In the USA, there are a number of websites that you can search by name, city, county and location as well as go to your local police department's web site.  However, in Canada, we do not have the access to the same detailed information.

I hate to say it, but most often in Canada you can't find out, unless your local police department decides that an individual poses a heightened risk to your community.  If they do, then they will tell you about it.  If they don't, you will never know.  This is a perfect example of how the bad guy's right to privacy often outweighs children's right to safety.

You can call your local police service and ask them if they have released information about any child molesters in your neighborhood, or even check their web site.  Many police departments post current high risk or wanted offenders regularly.

But in any case, regardless if you have frequent access to detailed information, don't just focus on the "identified child molesters."  Child molesters have an average of thirty prior incidents before they are reported for the first time.

Instead, you should pay attention to everyone in your neighborhood and especially those that are close to your family and kids.  Don't be paranoid, but be aware that child molesters are skilled manipulators and are often the "nice guy" in town.

Talk to your kids about personal safety, and teach them to always trust their instincts.  Make sure that you keep the lines of communication open.  If someone makes your child feel uncomfortable, and they are confident that you will listen to, and validate their feelings, they will tell you about it. 

To filter or not to filter?

Isn’t technology fantastic!

I mean it. I’m not being sarcastic.  I really am a true fan of all things techie.  I am fascinated by the idea that there are opportunities for developers to create ways to make our everyday lives less complicated; to find ways for us to reach out and connect with old friends, new friends and soon-to-be friends…plus all the amazing conveniences like online banking, shopping and access to information that the Internet has brought.

Technology, and the Internet is amazing; and I suspect that as it becomes more and more entrenched in our lives, we will start to demand access everywhere we go.

Like…..when we travel  -  let’s say. 

Wi-Fi at 30,000 feet is not a new idea, and is already available on a select number of airlines and popularity will continue to rise.  The continuous losses in the travel industry have forced airlines to add services like Internet access to attract more customers, but at what cost?

Here is a thought….if the guy sitting next to you and your 8 year old on a flight from LA to New York fancies soft porn, and his monitor is stuck on the seat back in full view, how would you feel?

What if the woman next to you is watching a video on YouTube about how to smoke a joint, or shoot heroin…what would you tell your kid? 

What if the kid beside you opens an email with large font curse words “F ***K  YOU” –  would you want your kid repeating what he read?

There are a lot of dangers that the internet and technology brings but we try to balance the good with the bad.   As parents, we probably have filters that help keep inappropriate content from reaching our kids when they log on at home.  Libraries, Government agencies, Schools and even many workplaces have some sort of filter.  They are responsible.

But what about the airlines?  Is it their duty to be as responsible to your kids?  Should they filter content too? 

Some say yes, many say no. 

Are our constitutional rights to free speech interfering with our right to protect our kids from damaging information.  

Can kids predict the future US President?

Some say yes! 

The Scholastic Kids Press Corp is a group of kids from grades 4-6, who cover news stories around the nation for Scholastic News Online and Scholastic's classroom magazines.  The media has an effect on kids not just for Fruit Roll Ups and the Newest Video Game release, but for subjects that are important to their parents too.

Like the rest of the US and most of Canada, these mini-reporters are fascinated with the US election process (who isn’t this year?) and have opened a kids only vote for who they think should be the next  44th President of the United States.

Voting was open to grades 1 – 12 and surprisingly, kids are as interested the history making election as their parents!  Is it that the US will have their first African American President, or the first Woman Vice President?   

The results this morning were winner – Barack Obama 57%  to John McCain 39% with a 4% choosing other.

Perhaps this is a reflection of what we will see their parents do on November 4th, or perhaps it is just a great way for kids to become interested, involved and aware of their country, and how what the adults do this year will effect their future.

Canada votes today. 

Although us Canadians are much quieter, less flashy and a little more humble by the election process, the effect of our decisions today will have a profound impact in our kids future. 

As parents we have choices to make that will effect our kids safety, well being and future.  We make safe choices daily - that's just part of parenting.  But today in Canada, and on November 4th in the US, lets think beyond the moment and into the future. 

Take a stand, for your children and VOTE.  

When is a Flasher More Than Just a Flasher?

  Since 1974, when Michael O’Brien ran naked (wearing only his sneakers) across the British Cricket Field, streaking has become a somewhat innocent although startling behavior.

But when does nudity through “streaking” cross the line from funny antics, to potential sexual deviants? 

A reporter contacted me yesterday to talk about a known offender who is a homeless, alcoholic that has a tendency for exposing himself to kids in the community.  The hot button question was whether this guy poses a significant risk to the safety of kids in the community.  My answer… “Perhaps.” 

I know.  I know.  Wouldn’t it be great if I could say with the utmost certainty “YES!  He is a danger to kids and will continue to expose himself, using this behavior to fuel his sexual fantasy’s towards young children, gradually gaining more confidence until he will ultimately abuse a child,  and therefore he should be sent to jail and locked away for good.”

But, I can’t say that, and nor should anyone else.   We don’t know what he is capable of.  Some people expose themselves for shock (streakers), some for control, some for sexual deviance.   Which category this guy falls into is up to the Psychologists to decide, which by the way, one is ordered to do an assessment on him through the courts.

What I pressed the reporter to write about and encourage in his story, isn’t the fact that there is a creep in the community – everyone know that!  This guy is a well known, creepy, bum in a small town.   But rather to impress on his readers to report any incident that involves this or any other person that exposes himself to kids or adults.  Yes, adults too!   

If any of you have been “flashed” before, as an adult, it is easy to convince yourself to just ignore the behavior, and tell your friends about the weird experience.  And it usually ends there.  Don’t let it.  Be sure to report the incident to the police.  It won’t take much of your time, and won’t be wasting theirs.  I promise.  What you may be doing, when reporting, is adding an important piece of a puzzle to an ongoing investigation.

Did you know:

In Canada, unless the police “catch him exposing himself” or in police lingo “he is found in the commission of the offence” they won’t arrest him.  Indecent Exposure is a Summary conviction offence, which limits police arrest authority.  So don’t be disappointed when he isn’t dragged off in handcuffs.   Instead they will give him an Appearance Notice that compels him to go to court, and use you as a witness.  So he is charged, just not arrested.

A Bigger Danger Less Feared

As some of you may already know, lately, I have been focusing on a new issue in child safety.  It is without doubt, one of the biggest dangers that will affect our children now and into the future

The victims are the children.  The culprits are not the “predators” and “deviants” that safety experts often focus on.  In fact the culprits that put these children into danger are usually the ones that strive to protect them in the first place.

What is the danger?  What could be so bad that it will cause this next generations’ life expectancy to be lower than we have seen in history?

What is it that worries me…. Childhood Obesity.

Did you know..

39% of children aged 6 to 11 years and 42% of adolescents aged 12 to 19 years in the United States are overweight.

The most immediate consequence of overweight as perceived by the children themselves is social discrimination. This is associated with poor self-esteem and depression.

43% of adolescents watch more than 2 hours of television each day

Overweight adolescents have a 70% chance of becoming overweight or obese adults.

I can’t help but ask why are we not spending as much time learning how to protect our children from obesity as we are from predators and strangers? 

Don’t misunderstand me “people” are still the biggest threat to your kids.  In cases of abuse and assault, it is more often people that you know or knows you that will hurt your children (as opposed to a complete stranger).  In cases of obesity – it is usually the child and parents themselves. 

And although you try hard, and mean well and would never wish harm on your child, if you enable their unhealthy eating habits and inactivity – you will be contributing to a tremendous amount of pain and suffering as they grow to be overweight and unhealthy adults.

Recently a desperate mother of a 220 lb. 13 year old daughter opted for gastric bypass surgery to help her loose weight.  However, the surgery is not approved for children in the US.  So the mother found a doctor in Mexico who would perform the surgery. 

She felt there was no help or other option available to her in the US.  Are we really left to resort to desperate measures?

There is a very good book out for cooking low fat and healthy recipes your kids will like that I recommend.  It is called Deceptively Delicious.  It can be found in any bookstore or Amazon.   That’s a start.  There is also a plethora of healthy eating and lifestyle websites, books and support groups out there …. All you have to do is GOOGLE any combination you can think of.

Child safety is more than predators, abduction and car seats.  It is also about living a healthy and safe lifestyle.

O'Reilly: Factor This!

It has taken me a couple days to find the right words to respond to Bill O’Reilly’s comments regarding the Shawn Hornbeck kidnapping.  It amazes me how someone with access to so much information, so many experts, so many people who are much brighter than he is, can be so ignorant to the basic psychology of victims.

To even hint at the thought that this 14 year old boy had “fun” while he was in captivity would be unacceptable – but to come right out and say it,  is obnoxious, offensive and a clear sign of complete moronic behavior.

Factor this O’Reilly, just because this child was not “physically restrained” at all times does not mean that he was not in emotional captivity.  Consider the thousands of women who spend a lifetime in abusive relationships and never leave, even though they are not “physically tied to the floor.”  The victim/abuser relationship is not much different, except Shawn was an abducted child!

Devlin likely used manipulation, threats, fear and abuse to keep this boy from leaving.  Keeping someone from escaping an abusive situation without physical restraints may be hard to understand, but it is not hard to accomplish – as Devlin proved.

And why is everyone so intent on confirming there was sexual abuse?  Of course there was.  Should Shawn have to broadcast his tragic ordeal to all of us through a TV news show?  Absolutely not, and if I were his mother I would do everything to protect him from being re-victimized by idiots like O’Reilly who, for ratings – are intent on making this boy “explain himself.”

What is wrong with you?  He did NOTHING wrong.  Nothing.

As a child safety expert, and former cop I thought I had heard and seen the worst.  Until now.  O'Reilly, you need to apologize to this family, to this boy, and to your viewers.  I know you know better.

And,  as a father yourself – you should be ashamed.